A Visit from the FTC

For the “year of the data breach” and in the holiday spirit, we post a slightly updated “A Visit from the FTC”.

A Visit from the FTC, Auditors, and Consultants

Inspired by Clement Clarke Moore and Henry Livingston

‘Twas the night before the breach, when all through the place Not a creature was stirring, the staff left in haste. Their laptops were placed on the desks without care, Even though all knew the cleaning crew would be there.

No shredder was used, no shred bins within Paper files were disposed in the recycle bin And USB disks were just crammed in drawers No one knowing which was mine, which was yours.

When out on the Internet there arose such a hack, The firewall did not notice, it was not configured or patched. Through the Windows servers they flew like Snow Crash, Tore through the databases and took all the stash.

The months went by, and we did what we do, Until we saw it on Krebs, we hadn’t a clue. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a black Federal van and eight lawyers with gear.

With a whole team of attorneys, they came so determinedly, I knew in a moment it must be the FTC. More rapid than eagles their coursers they came, And they whistled, and shouted, and called out the game!

“First hackers! Then crackers! Now script kiddies and phreaks! Then elites! And Anonymous! What, and Wikileaks! They owned the servers! They wrote on your Wall! Then dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

Brandishing the goodies that were posted on Pastebin, we knew there was no stopping them when they got in. So up to the CEO’s office they flew, With a letter from Olhausen, and Al Franken too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the hall Lots of preening and fawning, auditors all! As I drew in my breath, and was turning around, In through the door they all came with a bound.

They were dressed all in black, from their heads to their feet, And their computer bags were all bursting with papers and spreadsheets. A bundle of checklists, they just flung them all out, And they looked like demons, full of skepticism and doubt.

Their brows how they furrowed! Their eyes, how they menaced! Their fingers like talons, their mouths like a grimace! They called us bad names and our security was spurned. They told us that they would leave no stone unturned.

We notified consumers, paid for credit reports We coached our executives, taught them all the retorts. We tried to close all the gaps, talked to the government, We reserved lots of cash, to pay the consultant.

He was chubby and plump, a right real dandy, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of his fee! A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I still had everything to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And filed a bunch of reports, then turned with a jerk. And laying his finger on his keyboard, And giving a nod, in email he sent his invoice onward!

When it was all done, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard them exclaim, ‘ere they took all their gear, “Happy Settlement to all, and to all a good twenty years!”