The Performance Review Demystified

KNOWLEDGE:

1. ___ The S.O.B. really knows his $h!t.
2. ___ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
3. ___ Only has half a brain and is dangerous.
4. ___ Brain damage. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

ACCURACY:

1. ___ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sexual fantasies.
2. ___ Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his @$$.
3. ___ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten.
4. ___ Couldn’t count his balls and get the same answer twice.

RELIABILITY:

1. ___ Really dependable little #@*%.
2. ___ Can rely on him at evaluation time.
3. ___ Can rely on him to be the first one out the door.
4. ___ Totally and completely worthless.

ATTITUDE:

1. ___ Extremely cooperative (kisses @$$ frequently).
2. ___ Brown noser in poor standing.
3. ___ Often pisses off co-workers. Thinks that’s his job.
4. ___ Doesn’t give a $h!t; never did; never will.

APPEARANCE:

1. ___ Extremely neat, spends a lot of time combing his hair.
2. ___ Looks great at evaluation time.
3. ___ Dirty, Filthy, Smelly Son Of a Gun.
4. ___ Flies leave fresh dog crap to follow him.

PERFORMANCE:

1. ___ Goes like lightning if there’s money in it.
2. ___ Does okay around evaluation time.
3. ___ Works only if kicked every two minutes.
4. ___ Couldn’t do less work if he was in a coma.

LEADERSHIP:

1. ___ Carries a chainsaw and gets good results.
2. ___ Occasionally gets told to back off.
3. ___ Mother Teresa would have told him to kiss off.
4. ___ Couldn’t lead a pack of hungry wolves to fresh meat.