UnixSage

Programming Language Honest Titles

Shamelessly Stolen from Quora

  • C: The Boring (and Probably Correct) Choice
  • C++: You Thought It Was Complicated BEFORE
  • Objective-C: Now With Even More Confusing Syntax!
  • C#: You’ll Swear It’s Not Java
  • Swift: You’ll Swear It’s Not JavaScript
  • Java: The Practical Choice of Middleware Developers the World Over… And It’s ALL Middleware.
  • Java: (Re)Write Once (Every Major Version), Pray Your Containers Still Work.
  • Ruby: Because Programs Should Be Fun, Not Efficient! (_why be efficient when you CAN BE inefficient?)
  • Ruby: The best of Perl shoe-horned into SmallTalk! What could go wrong?
  • Groovy: Easier than getting Ruby to work in the JVM? When you want Rails but can’t quit Java…
  • SmallTalk: Passing messages with class since 1972… Basically “That 70s Show” for programming.
  • Python: Including ALL THE BATTERIES (You’ll Never Need) Since 1991
  • Python: Because you shouldn’t have to pick between functional, procedural, and object-oriented style… in the same file.
  • PHP: Wait, you put HTML, CSS and SQL in here? And we installed this everywhere?
  • PHP: How To Build The Internet in 30 Days or Less… Pocket Edition… for Dummies… with root.
  • JavaScript: Wait, you put HTML, CSS and SQL in here? Again? And installed it everywhere? Literally EVERYWHERE?
  • JavaScript: Single-threaded, natively asynchronous, designed in a week, revised by committee, installed on every modern computer. What could go… Await for it… Promise it’s worth it…
  • Go: Do you like prioritizing type and thread safety over readability as much as Google does? We sure hope so!
  • Go: More curly braces than you can shake your parentheses at!
  • Rust: Well, it ain’t Go! Way easier than C but still with all the comforting syntax errors you love.
  • Dart: Look, JavaScript is hard to kill, but there are a LOT of Googlers, get it?
  • Typescript: The Java-developer’s JavaScript. Now with fewer foot-guns! (Now they’re compiler errors…!)
  • Elm: Is this like Lisp or… or not? Is that HTML? Are those leading commas…?
  • Clojure: The Gentleman’s Lisp. An elegant weapon for a more civilized time.
  • Clojure: Powering the fastest Middleware ever developed… on the JVM… Since no one uses Scheme.
  • Scheme: Lisp for the 90s. Kinda cool once… like Friends!
  • Erlang: This runs where?
  • Perl: Slightly overused scripting language for free to a good home. Written once, never debugged.
  • Haskell: The Terminal Conclusion of Type Safety as a Design Principle. MONADS EVERYWHERE!
  • Haskel: Useful, well-documented primer for Typescript.
  • Elixir: What if Ruby took over Haskell and made it run Erlang? That’s cool, right?
  • Prolog: You OR I may not understand enough to get OR write this title, but with enough input it will work itself out.